Wild Weekend of Sports: Playoffs, Injuries & Upsets, Oh My!

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Wild Weekend of Sports highlights the biggest and best sports news and events from the weekend, with a little bit of comic relief.

Saturday

* Gio Gonzalez became baseball’s first 20 game winner of the season. He was also Washington’s first 20 game winner since 1978 and their first pitcher with 200 strikeouts since Walter Johnson in 1912. Washington Nationals GM, Mike Rizzo, has announced that Gonzalez will no longer throw his curveball. “Just like with Stephen (Strasburg) we believe it’s best for the team and Gio’s (Gonzalez) future.” Of course everybody was on board…

* Old Dominion University’s quarterback, Taylor Heinicke, threw for 730 yards to break the Division-I record, in a 64-61 victory over New Hampshire. With his phone full of voicemails, Heinicke was ready for the congratulations. Instead, the first voicemail was from Sam Durley of D-III Eureka College who recently broke the NCAA record for most passing yards in a single game with 736. “HEY I’M THE RECORD BREAKER! JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE D-I MAKES YOU BETTER?!? NO! NOBODY HAS HEARD OF EUREKA COLLEGE, SO THANKS!” Luckily for Durley, not many people have heard of Old Dominion either…

* Florida State proved it’s a national championship contender by beating No. 10 Clemson 49-37 in Tallahassee. Unfortunately Bobby Bowden sent his wife to the hospital when he accidentally tomahawk chopped her in the head at home.

* The Cincinnati Reds clinched the NL Central with a 6-0 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers, while the San Francisco Giants won the NL West with an 8-4 win over the San Diego Padres later in the night. Dusty Baker’s heart skipped a beat when tears of joy ran down his face. Luckily, his giant wrist bands were there to soak the tears. In other news, Brian Wilson and his neighbor, “The Machine,” celebrated all night. No further questions…

* Jon Jones kept his light heavyweight belt when he submitted Victor Belfort in the fourth round at UFC 152. After the fight at his press conference, Jones changed a certain saying when he said, “Sticks and stones won’t break my bones, but Belfort will come pretty damn close.”

Sunday

* The Oregon Ducks jumped the LSU to take over the No. 2 spot in the AP polls after Oregon’s 49-0 rout of No. 22 Arizona. LSU head coach Les Miles was seen chomping on grass as he proclaimed that the Ducks’ defenders have been drinking Michael Jordan’s “Special Stuff” from Space Jam, since the Ducks are not allowed to play that good of defense.

* The San Francisco 49ers were upset by the Minnesota Vikings 24-13 in Minnesota. WHOA! Harbaugh was just seen tackling Christian Ponder after the game! He must of mistaken him for Jim Schwartz…

* The Kansas City Chiefs upset the New Orleans Saints in overtime, 27-24 to make it the Saints 0-3 for the season. To top it off Jamaal Charles decided to show he’s still a big play waiting to happen by carrying the ball 33 times for 233 yards and a touchdown. Jonathan Vilma’s twitter was temporarily taken down after he tweeted, “10K n i got Jammaal’s knee… im ready Goodell…”

* Calvin Johnson proved he’s still ‘Megatron’ with 10 catches for 164 yards and a touchdown in his team’s 44-41 overtime loss to the Tennessee Titans. Johnson’s performance was outdone though, by Nate Washington’s acrobatic catch of the year for a 71 yard touchdown. BREAKING NEWS: Chris Johnson’s nickname has officially been changed from CJ2K to CJ1.36 for his gruesome yards per carry on the season.

* C.J. Spiller and Reggie Bush both left their game with injuries. Hospitals everywhere were packed with men who collapsed from “Fantasy Attack.” Yes, it is a real diagnosis. THIS IS A HOUSE OF LEARNING DOCTORS!

* After tragically losing his brother to a motorcycle accident, Torrey Smith had six receptions for 127 yards and two touchdowns in the Baltimore Ravens thrilling 31-30 victory over the New England Patriots. After the game, Rob Gronkowski spiked Tom Brady’s comb made of unicorn bone and shattered it to pieces, causing him to cry wee wee wee all the way home… to Gisele Bundchen… poor Tom Brady.

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